1. Customer calls and says, "I was driving on the highway and struck something and it bent my rim - is that covered under warranty?" Are you kidding me? Warranties guarantee a product against DEFECTS in manufacturing or workmanship. I told her 'no' and she contested, "It's not?" all whiny-like. Let's see - YOU ran over something and broke your shit and this is OUR fault how? An IQ below 80 may be considered functionally retarded, but I think that 100 should be considered functionally retarded because it seems to me that the average person is such.

1. I just found a job posting that lists one of their candidate requirements as "must have a batcher's degree". Fucking idiots.

2. I have a gas bubble in my chest and it hurts. It's been lingering for the past two hours.

3. I just had a transfer from OnStar. The customer's story was thus: "I keep getting a 'low tire pressure' message on the display and I keep filling up the tire but by the end of the day it's low again. I think there's a nail in the tire... what do I do?" And where was this shining intellect from? That's right, southern California. How hard is it to take your vehicle to a dealership, or even your local tire shop/gas station/lube shop/anything that touches cars, and have them patch it up. Really? You don't know what to do? How have you made it this far? Why are you operating heavy machinery? I won't even begin to expound on the ineptness of OnStar, or at least the system in place that refuses to empower OnStar agents whatesoever.

1. This is a good one. Some New Jersey fucker calls in, says when he reconnects his battery the alarm goes off - wants to know why. He talked to two techs at a dealership and they gave him two different solutions. He wants to speak to a tech on the phone, which ain't happening since that's a legal liability. He's already yelling right off the bat and tells me he doesn't even think I can answer his question. I asked him to allow me to put him on hold for 3 minutes while I look up the information. He immediately flies off the handle, "I've been buying General Motors all my life and this is the treatment I get!?" And on and on. I told him it will ONLY be 3 minutes and if he would just be PATIENT I'll answer his question. I look it up, there's nothing that says that should be happening so therefore there's probably something wrong with it. I come back and tell him this and he flips. He demanded to speak to a tech and I told him he already spoke to two techs at the dealer. He reiterates that they gave him two different answers. I advised then that the logical thing to do would be to try both solutions and see which one works. He flips again (I was already pissed at this point and didn't give a shit about pissing him off more), and begins a tirade of telling me how much of an idiot I am and how I'm not an intelligent person, or have an ounce of intelligence in me, blah blah blah. After about 5 minutes of argument and insults he says again, "I knew you couldn't help me. I just knew you wouldn't have an answer for me." To which I replied, "Well sir, sounds to me like it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there anything ELSE I can assist you with today?" After that he just grumbled until he hung up. Now it's kind of funny but 20 minutes ago I was fucking pissed. PS - if you run into Albert Firestein of Monroe Township, NJ, spit in his face. And if you're reading this Mr. Firestein, fuck. you.

2. Quality busted my ass on that call.

3. I just had a customer complain that the voice recognition commands weren't working for his OnStar unit. I hate that shit - is it really so hard to reach up to the rearview mirror and press the blue button? Lazy ass.

1. My girlfriend came over to my desk and was talking to me when a team manager walked by, then double-backed and said to my girlfriend, "Unless you're actually working, you need to go back to your desk." Fucking bitch. How about, "Unless you're MY team manager you can shut the fuck up". Who the hell cares if my girlfriend stops by my desk for 5 minutes to talk? Is the company that unstable that it couldn't handle me being not entirely productive for a small fraction of the hour? Besides that, this is the same TM I see surfing Myspace every fucking day even though it's banned. Why can't people mind their own fucking business?

1. I was trying to find a dealership in our computer system called "King-O'Rourke Cadillac". I went to our search tool and typed in "O'Rourke". It kicked it back to me saying search terms can only contain letters, referring to the apostrophe that I had included. So I tried searching "ORourke" which also returned no results. So I finally just typed in the city and state where it's located and it gave me a list of dealers there, one of which was of course, "King-O'Rourke". Fuckers - there is a fucking apostrophe and a hyphen, AND I spelled it correctly. This is how every search tool and computer program is at this place - shitty.

2. That dealership was in Smithtown, New York, but I didn't know this so I asked the customer what city and state it was in. He kept mumbling mindless garbage and I had to ask him about 3 times. He kept only saying 'Smithtown' like I know where the shit that is. Ohh, New York, gotcha asshole. Why is it that New Yorkers think the whole world revolves around them? I hate New York and I especially hate New Yorkers. Biggest assholes in the world - I've never spoken to so many functional retards. And they wonder why they're a terrorist target? Maybe if they'd pull their heads out of their asses the planet wouldn't hate them so much.

3. Case in point - my very next call was some other New York fucker from Farmingdale. This asshole was complaining that he bought his car a year and a half ago and the dealer hasn't sent him any correspondence whatsoever. Nothing advising him to service his vehicle, or thanking him for buying it, nothing. Boo-fuckin-hoo you big baby. What a piece of shit you are. The world doesn't owe you a damn thing - the sooner you learn that, the better.

4. I saw a job posting for a 911 dispatcher online. It gave an address to send applications to and at the bottom of the post it said, "Phone calls will not be accepted". The fact that they had to say that to discourage idiots from dialing 911 to apply for the job pisses me off.

1. My employee ID badge stopped working, but only for the door that's near my desk. If I walk around the building it works at the other doors.

2. I had a customer tell me, "I'm not rude, that's just the way I talk." Um... so the way you talk is ill-mannered and discourteous? That's called being rude asshole.

3. I ordered a sourdough burger from Jack in the Box and they gave me a sourdough breakfast sandwhich instead. I also asked for a 'handful' of ketchup and they gave me TWO packets of ketchup.

4. I had a customer who's chrome wheels were flaking off and the recommended fix from the engineers was to grind them down and reseal them. The customer felt this wasn't good enough and said it's not fixing the problem, it's just doctoring the problem. He said it's like if you have cancer and you take chemotherapy - you're not curing anything, you're just doctoring the problem. Oh, you're right, it's JUST like taking chemicals that inhibit DNA replication throughout your body.

1. Today is Tuesday. A customer ordered a Cadillac from the factory. The most detailed information we ever have for tracking that is whether or not it's been built and whether or not it's in transit. That's it. End of story. Once it's in transit the dealer has an idea of what day it should arrive. This asshole kept demanding that we give him more detailed information about when it will arrive. The dealer told him it should arrive between today and Friday. Again, today is Tuesday. This fucking prick says that he's a very busy man and that he needs to know the exact day and time it's arriving so that he can schedule around it to pick it up. If your time is so precious and constrained, then why did you order the vehicle this way? Why not buy one off the lot asshole? He demanded to speak with my manager (as if she'll have any different information). Fucking people.

1. I just got off of a 35 minute call with some New York asshole. This guy was a fucking moron - the first thing he said was that he's had the problem with his Escalade for a while and it hasn't been taken care of in the "proper mannerism". Idiot. I asked what he was seeking from GM and his exact words were, "I'm not seeking anything! I'm seeking to have the problem fixed." He kept referring to GM as "GMAC". Dumbass - that's the financial company owned by GM. Among many other grammatical violations he used the word "inobvious". Then he dares to say, "Listen, we're both intelligent people..." NO - I am an intelligent person, YOU are a fucking idiot. News flash - the majority of people are of average intelligence - do you really think you are anywhere outside of average? Probably not. But I am.

2. Immediately following the previous call, I was on with some douche for 55 minutes. The guy was a rich real estate broker with a Hummer H2. The guy kept telling me all kinds of things to display how rich he is like I give a shit. I learned the following about this asshole: he owns a Mercedes S500, a Corvette, a nice GMC Sierra, owns his own real estate company, is the broker for Jerry Rice and several other 49ers, is the broker for the owner of another Hummer dealer, owns a guest/beach house, belongs to a Hummer club that meets and does activities together, is an avid cyclist who rides with his lawyer, paid $82,000 in cash for the vehicle and added $8-10,000 in upgrades, people flip him off wherever he goes because they are jealous of his Hummer and have even egged it, has recently been to Hawaii, Arizona, and Lake Tahoe on vacation, and is 45 years old and a Greek. NONE of this has shit to do with fuck, but he sure felt like taking an hour to tell it all to me. The truck needed a new transmission and he couldn't understand why because he never used it off-road or to tow anything - his wife just uses it to drive the kids to school. Fuck you asshole - then why did you buy a Hummer? On top of that, he's disputing a bill for a rental car he had, and doesn't feel he should pay for it. He tells me, "It's not like I'm some prick who's trying to get anything free from anybody." Um... yeah... you are. Try not being so ostentatious next time and own up to the fact that you're out of warranty so you should be paying for a rental that you accepted.

3. I was watching Family Fued and the category was, "Big Cities in Texas". Houston and Dallas were on the board with 3 more to go. This dumb bitch looks confused for a second and guesses, "Taco?". Yeah - Taco, Texas - good guess moron.

4. Onstar transferred some stupid bitch to me who needed roadside assistance so I transferred her to the roadside department and listened in. She ran out of gas and was at the corner of 52nd and Bancroft in Oakland, California and wanted us to send someone out with gas (which they generally only bring 2 gallons). This stupid bitch refused to get her VIN for the phone agent so that he could set up service. He told her to check her registration or insurance but she said it wasn't her vehicle - doesn't matter. The agent told her to then check for her VIN on the dash and said, "Look on the driver's side where the windshield meets the dash..." and she interrupted and said, "I don't know where to find it!" Like I said: stupid bitch. What really pissed me off is that she was essentially in DOWNTOWN OAKLAND. Fucker - I checked Google and there were 2 gas stations within 6 fucking blocks. Walk it, bitch.

1. I had a customer call and just ask for an address to write to Cadillac. I said, "You want to write to Cadillac, at PO Box..." at which point I paused and already I was way ahead of him somehow. "Wait, wait, hold on, what was that again?" Look old man, if you're calling to ask me one simple cut-and-dry question, LISTEN when I give you the fucking answer. I can understand if you're asking something complex, or with lots of irrelevant numbers and letters, that you could get confused, but you're asking for a fucking address, and I hardly gave you any information to begin with and already you're lost?

2. So an alleged terrorist plot was foiled at Heathrow - I'm sure you've heard about it already - and now security is flipping out about liquids and other dangerous items like lip gloss and baby formula. Okay, so under the previous security regime you CAUGHT these terrorists, why then suddenly did security measures need to be altered to such an extreme? Obviously the previous security tactics were working perfectly because they prevented the situation. What's next - everyone has to strip naked and wear robes on the flight? Adam Settler takes power?

1. Some lady spent 17 f'ing minutes blabbing at me while I tried to answer my initial 10 yes or no questions. When I finally had all my info I asked her if it was okay if I put her on hold for 5-10 minutes while I research the concern. She got all huffy and whined about that being too long. Look bitch, if your time is so urgent then why did you just spend 17 minutes mindlessly blathering and not answering my questions when you're the one who called me?

2. There's a sign posted on the bathroom door that says, "Sorry, no hot water." What, am I going to take a bath in there? Who gives a shit?

3. I've often heard of east coast people complaining of, or seen in movies, those ivy-league trust fund assholes. You know - the type who always wear khakis, have sweaters tied around their necks, etc. I didn't really think they existed until I saw one on college Jeopardy playing for Princeton. I wanted to smash his face in immediately.

1. I had a Cadillac customer call me in hysterics that the outer rubber seal around her windshield had come loose while she was driving. The customer was convinced that she narrowly escaped death because the windshield could have come loose and smashed her in the face. Yeah, that's all that's keeping the windshield from flying into the cab is a small strip of rubber - I don't think so. It's not like it's resting on the frame or anything. She told me that she paid $48,000 for the car and that even when she was poor and driving $100 cars this never happened. Okay bitch, you have NEVER been poor. How do I know this? Because you were DRIVING. Last I checked, most of the third world doesn't drive. There are almost NO Americans that are poor, and the ones that are, are pieces of shit because there is no easier place on Earth in which somebody can live far above the rest of the planet. Nobody in America is just 'down on their luck' and becomes homeless. If that's the case then it's because you were a fool and not living within your means. You were spending more money than what you had. Maybe if you actually HAD been poor at some point you would have learned the value of money and to not spend what you don't have.

2. I got a nosebleed today and I was in the bathroom for 40 minutes waiting for it to clot.

3. I had a Cadillac customer complaining that last time his car was in the shop he got a rental vehicle that was a 1998 and it had 100,000 miles. You poor fucking baby. Fuck you asshole. There aren't enough vulgar obsenities to lambast an asshole like that.

1. It took the guy at the deli 20 f'ing minutes to make my sandwhich today. My lunch is 30 minutes and it takes 5 minutes just to get there. Absolute bullshit - I was the only customer he had. My sandwhich consisted of the following: sourdough, honey ham, cream cheese, lettuce, onion, mayo, and mustard. I could go from 0 to sandwhich in 5.29 seconds and that's if I had to cut the meat off the pig. 30 minute lunches are for children in sweatshops in SE Asia.

2. I had an asshole customer who wanted to know why I was supporting a decision made by a tech at a dealership. I told him in a very matter-of-fact way, "Well, I can't see what's wrong with the vehicle over the telephone." And he tells me, "There's no need to get snotty with me, I'm just trying to get my problem solved." Oh yeah douchebag? Well, there's no fucking reason to be a rude fucking asshole with me because I'm just doing my fucking JOB! Fucker.

1. I've had bad breath all day no matter what I do.

2. I brought a lunch from home, but come lunch time I forgot and went to Wendy's instead.

3. I ate Wendy's.

4. I just had a customer who's navigation in his Cadillac wasn't working properly. He was pissed off already and when I determined there was nothing I could do for him over the phone I told him he'd have to go to a dealership. He was flustered and in a condescending tone said, "Well, I need my nav system to get home!" A) like I give a shit and B) you are said shit of which I do not give. Who depends solely on a navigation system to get around? What the fuck is wrong with this country? Get a map asshole - better yet, learn your way around, or even (if your little-dick ego allows), ask somebody for some fucking directions! Seriously, what did people do up until 5 years ago? I am saying this with full conviction - people who are helpless are such because they refuse to help themselves. If you depend so much on modern conveniences like cell phones, a/c, nav systems, TV, internet, whatever - you are a worthless piece of shit. End of story.